Nearer My God To Thee

Actor John Goodman Visits Porn Star Karaoke

John had a few drinks, sang a few songs, and while he was leaving at 10:40 p.m. and complained that people were rude, that there weren't any porn stars, and that "there were no pharmaceuticals."

Early in the night, I walked up to him and told him that a friend just told me today that I was like his character Donny in The Big Lebowski. He was a few sheets to the wind and didn't give a damn.

Dan G writes:

"Well, considering he played Walter (In a Best Supporting Actor-worthy performance, I should add Academy snobs!) in the The Big Lebowski, and Donny was played by Steve Buscemi, I can kinda see why he didn't give a damn.

"Of course, this opens up a whole new debate about what Luke's friend was trying to imply...was he comparing him to the irritating, no-account little pussy so often dismissed with a terse 'Shut the ---- up Donny!', or to the 'Nam-obsessed, abrasive converted Jew Walter, who is thoroughly pussywhipped by his ex? The mind boggles. Jon Turturro stole that movie anyhow."

Michelle sings a song I've never heard before but I love it -- Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You."

I've become a big fan of American Idol's Kelly Clarkson. I love her song "Since U Been Gone":

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get,
I get what I want

Since you been gone
You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it

I run into Eve at 10 p.m. and feel happy. I take her outside for a heart-to-heart.

"How come you spell and punctuate correctly?" I ask.

"English and literature were my favorite classes," she says. "I had a hard time staying awake in math and science."

"Me too."

"The only time I liked science was when we got to light things on fire."

My friend Tara says she was invited to appear on black rapper Flavor Flav's VH1 show. She was not honored. She says Flava is a drug addict without enough class to hide his problems.

"He's a crackhead," she says. "I can't stand that. If you are going to be a druggie, be classy. A few swipes of the nose are OK, but don't be all cracking out."

"I feel you," I reply.

Eve says she was also asked to appear on the show. She auditioned because VH1 was right next to the Santa Monica DMV. They pay only $150 a day. 

"They give you stacks of paperwork," Eve remembers. "Have you ever been arrested? Have you ever been in a fight? All this drama. I write in big bold letters, 'No.'"

Tara says she's never been arrested either.

Eve: "I had to make an audition tape about why Flavor should go out with me and why he should accept me on his show. 'Oh, because he has such good fashion sense with the clock and the horn hat. Oh, and I'm really good at stroking his ego.'"

Quincy says U2 is the closest I've gotten to rap music.

Tara yells at Ryan for allowing me to take photos of him smoking pot. "It made you look like a drug addict. It made you look unstable. Say something Ryan."

Ryan's silenced and overwhelmed by her aggressiveness.

Then he says: "I thought we were friends."

They hug it out.

Tara says some guy from London wants to hook up with her when he visits Los Angeles.

"I am not a toy," she says. "Last summer yes, when I lost weight and looked beautiful and wore size nine. I would be a size nine now if I wasn't drinking so much."

Luke: "Why are you drinking so much?"

Tara: "Anxiety, I guess."

Luke: "Do you think that's a healthy way to deal?"

Tara: "No. I've had about four bottles of Chardonay over the past week. I've been eating a lot less. Right now I'm really bloated and wearing my size twelve jeans. But I don't care."

Eve likes to drink, but not heavily, not usually. She recently switched to lite beer.

John Good man walks out.

Tara screams: "Is that John Goodman?"

She runs up to him with Eve and gushes that he shouldn't leave.

"The people are rude," John explains, his breath reeking of alcohol, "it's crowded, there are no porn stars and no pharmaceuticals."

Tara says he should just get dinner and then come back. The babes will be here after 11 p.m. She takes his picture.

She tries to give him a pen with her website address on it. "This is my website. You should check it out. You can read the news and you can see where the babes are going to be."

He's not interested so she gives it to his minder.

Tara says later: "He has a drug problem. It's well documented. He can't get insured on movie sets because of his health problems.

"He's drunk. It's not even 11 p.m. And it's Tuesday.

"My first exposure to him was in the Campbell Soup commercials where he was dressed like a lumberjack and seemed like a nice guy. Now he's an old drunk looking for pharmaceuticals."

11 p.m. Kurt walks out with his date Kitten. The waitress runs out and gives him his wallet.